you're a mystery yourself

Monday, December 14, 2009

12/14/2009 10:49:00 PM

Don't even know how many months ago was my last post but today's worth blogging about.. Yesterday to be exact. My sec 1 classmate and buddy got married. *expressionless*

I mean.. what am I supposed to say? Or feel? I'm happy for her la.. I know I know. Cliche. But yea.. but with mixed emotions. Its like she has moved on.. to becoming a full fledge adult, having a family of her own. And I'm still.. oh well..

not that i'm dying to get married. But having attended 3 weddings in less that a month, makes me start thinking about my future. bah.. I hate growing old.

&the beauty.

10/14/2009 06:15:00 PM

Back to using my trustworthy desktop. Finally got my lazy bones off my bed and comnig to my desktop. RAHHHHHHHHH..

Yirang is growing fat at the rate of.. of.. an FI car racing. So she better watch her diet.

Whatever happened to all the plans to exercise? Disappeared with the increase in number of days i sail. ROARS.

At this rate, I shall retire into some auntie working out in the girls corner.

I will never even make it to next year's nike human race, let alone the marathon or even a triathlon.

Time to Xercise.

&the beauty.

10/03/2009 06:05:00 PM

Been awhile since I last blogged eh. I was browsing thru my email and hence went to facebook and friendster thru the links. And thee emotional aquarian got emo. Haha~

I realise that i miss my batchies.. and rowing with them.

I realised that I miss some peeps from the nteam.. people like jasmine, pris, del, yy, jing wei..

these were very trustworthy rowers.. looking at ntu pacing sets.. macau pics and trg pics..

rahhh

oh.. and i look at my pics and i realised how old i've grown. too much sun and to much stress and lack of sleep must be. haha~

happy mid autumn mum..

its been 9 years. scary huh. Life's been not too bad. Wish you were here tho, to help me become a better person. I hope i'm doing the right things.. putting my priorities right. miss ya. hope youre doing fine too.

&the beauty.

8/20/2009 08:12:00 PM

I would usually come online to blog if I have nothing to do or I have a sudden urge to purge my f*cked up emotions. It is the writer's regret to inform that this post belongs to the latter and is really.. messy.

So I begin my train of thought as I 'speak' to myself on the virtual escape channel. I feel really bloody drained and for the millionth time will complain about my sad.. oh so sad life. This is the only way I can maintain my positive front in front of my colleagues, family, friends and oh yes.. to all of you out there who has or has not met me. I am a cheerful person who really is everybody's friend and would let everyone and anyone climb over me.

WRONG.

I am an actress wearing a gazillion masks, most of them with smiley faces. I am the clown who makes you smile with a fake smile and really charming cute looks. Not your everyday clown.. but yea.. I am funny, I tell jokes, i talk the funny and makes just about everyone laugh. It is my full time job actually. Its just in me to do that. But like all clowns, beneath the facade of my masks, lies a really sad face.

I finally understand why I'm born so big and strong.. to carry the wright of the world on my shoulders. To carry tons of problems and responsbilities. Your problem is my problem, my problem is my problem. So how does the clown deal with life? Simply laugh at it.. refuse to let it sit on me and own me. I cry, and I laugh about it, I make people laugh about it, give people the boost and to try to laugh at life instead of let life laugh at them.

But you see.. this takes ALOT of energy and I am getting tired. I am so f*ckin tired that I want to take a break from life. No, I will not die. It has never been an option for me.. not especially when daddy's still around. I want reality to leave my world for 1 week, let my shoulders rest before I carry on my journey with the load.

i realise at this very point of time that everytime I meet a problem, I try to run away, avoid it, make it disappear. They usually do. This time, its not going to go away just like that. I've never been good at running anyway.

I just wish I know myself really.

And my tears have fully dried, time to carry on with my journey.

&the beauty.

8/01/2009 06:29:00 PM

Back to do an entry. As usual, I notice that its always when I have time at hand. What did I used to vigorously blog about? I realised that working life is so different from school life. School was my life, and I wanted it to be that way. Now that my work is taking over my life, I fight so hard against it. I make use of every free hour and minute to work out (in an attempt to keep whatever is left of my fitness and shape from NUS), I cherish every free moment that I have, every dinner that I have with my dad, every gathering I have with my batchmates and old friends.

Yes, speaking of old friends, I do miss quite a few now. I have had quite a few close friends when I was younger and all of us are now on separate paths. Maboo, yiyi and judy (are they the most mentioned when it comes to reminiscence?), some netball friends from sec sch, some more from JC (esp zhu peng gou you gang), valane, hannah, char, my JC clique.. esp oh soo chee! haha~ and ya, just realised I havent seen when yah for damn long!!

I miss joanna pang bao shi and lin li jun. rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~ sobs.

emo me. tsk tsk.

&the beauty.

7/12/2009 10:58:00 PM

Went to watch yan zi with ah geok.

(=

And I remembered how i started listening to yan zi or even singing yan zi.

Brought back many sweet memories. Bittersweet to be exact. Wo bu nan guo, lu guang, lan de qu guan, tao wang, ren xing.. walaneh ni.

yin wei ta er xi huan ting yan zi de ge, yin we ta er chang yan zi de ge. Dao xian zai hai dui yan zi qing you du zhong. (=

I'm just like that.. super sentimental. Even a concert also brings back memories so far back.

&the beauty.

6/08/2009 09:44:00 PM

Went out with Faye, Joyce, lina, chris and sheryl yesterday. Lina asked me "what would make you happy in life?" And I just kept quiet. I was thinking. It didn't come to me naturally. So I thought harder, and she was waiting for an answer. I didn't want her to wait so long for something I know I can't remember.. I siimply didn't know the answer.

And so I find it kinda sad, that I don't even know what makes me happy in life. I used to know..

To spend time with my teammates, train, train, train, spend quality time with dad.

Dad's growing old real fast. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. He's waiting for me to get married. And when will that be?

I'm still young, yet not so young anymore. What makes me happy?

The answer is you.

Dad, so long as we can spend the rest of your life happily together. I'd have no regrets. I realised that in life, no one would love me as dad and mom would.

You protected me, loved me, provided for me, cared for me.

You were worried sick when I had fever... even though it was always my gluttony that caused it.. eating fried stuff or chocolates knowing i couldnt eat them.

You were beaming with pride when I was first in class. You were not the least bit less proud when I was second. Not when I failed my first test..

And when mom gave up everything for us, you were probably more alone than me. But you picked yourself up and went out to start business, you made sure i was as loved as any teenager with both parents.. until I started hanging out with my friends late.

And I went out, And left you alone. Were you very lonely when I wasn't around?

Why are parents so selfless and us so selfish? why is it always about me?

unconsolable for tonight.

&the beauty.

6/04/2009 01:25:00 AM

I thought I'd be happier.
I was
Like I said,
I'm not meant to be happy.

Bliss and Happiness don't go well with y*rang

They just don't.

so what should I do?

&the beauty.

5/06/2009 11:21:00 PM

I think I just lost a friend. A colleague of mine, was once part of an odd clique. We went on different adventures and expeditions after work.. from shopping at queensway to browsing through ikea. We went to work and back home together, in the car, always having something to say about the cars on the highway. We listened to kena plucked, laughed about it, observed one another's habits and laughed at one another.

Then one of them got her own car. So the three of us broke up. But it wasn't that bad, we went to work together still, sometimes all in one car.. but recently, he don't talk to us anymore. He actually ignores us most of the time. He either pretends he doesnt hear or he snaps back. I don't know what went wrong..

All I know is that I lost a friend and I miss the nonsense that the 3 of us used to do.

&the beauty.

4/22/2009 07:34:00 PM

I realised that my dad is quite yan dao.. even when drinking chin chow also so got seh.. ahahaha~ today we went out for lunch after work and talked about children.. and they say children don't take after their parents right after they're boen. The child will bear resemblance to whoever who spends more time with the child and is closer to the child. tell me what do you see?

He's not a saint, but he's still the best dad in the world.

Love you dad, please get well soon.

&the beauty.

4/21/2009 03:08:00 PM

A queer encounter

14 March 2009

she saunters across the pub

the smell of alcohol filling her lungs

as she searches half- heartedly for her company

the crowd was younger today she thought

usually filled with adults who's been through yet another rough week at work

when she concluded that the crowd was not really worth watching

she turned her attention to finding her company

and possibly, her prey for the night

she slithered through the dead bunch,

who didn't seem to do the unXpected any justice at all

and there her company was

and her target, right opposite her

she made eye contact with the night's prey

and she left the rest of the hunt

to chance

there wasn't a plan

just when the prey was about to rejoin its company

as silent and swift as the feline hunters

she grabs hold of it

and sank her teeth into it

she didn't go for the kill

somehow, this one is different

somehow, she felt guilt

that was how it all began,

the queer encounter.

15 march 2009, the hunter quit.

&the beauty.

3/26/2009 09:53:00 PM

Yirang congratulates herself for moving on.. after so long. In wendy ng's words... *pop champagne.. celebrate*

haha~

anyway.. i'm worried again.. his toes don't look so good. its been.. 4-5 months.. mo ii.. yamette.

&the beauty.

3/10/2009 11:22:00 PM

If any of the following is true at all..

You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.

You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.

You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.

Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?

Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

... it is definitely not the part that most guys who get to know me would e attracted to me.

Haha~ These things are quite true yet full of rubbish sometimes..

&the beauty.

3/10/2009 10:28:00 PM

Your view on yourself:You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education: Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Quite true.. but i bet i can find a dozen million out there who's the same as me.

&the beauty.

3/06/2009 12:18:00 AM

NUS dragonboaters are prohpets.. and you wonder why...

This was what cindy said in july 2006:

"...but all i can say is tt losing isnt all tt bad a thing. it takes losing to know wad's winning. a new chapter has begun. we crept back up from almost ntg, to today. frm 7sec, to 3sec. teamNUS is gonna bring it back next yr.

This was what Jeffrey said in 2006:

"When I was a junior, the big-sized and hunky rowers from the other teams looked like lions to me and I felt scared cuz teamNUS rowers look like tiny wolves compared to the lions.. It's only now that I realised that, when lions come together, they just eat,sleep and have sex. We wolves however, are different - we hunt as a unit, as a pack. And that race course out there, my brothers, is our hunting ground. Let's go hunt some lions.. "

and in 2007, we brought back both cups.

the day after SDBF race 2007:

I will miss lying in bed wondering why I'm awakened so freaking early to get get fried in the sun and get all exhausted day after day.

I will miss rushing in to SDBA because I almost always come later than most people

I will miss TEAM RUNS (I still don't like running)

I will miss supporting When Yah at the Chin up bar

I will miss doing chin ups with the team

I will miss my favourite medicine ball throws

I will miss Kallang

I will miss teasing everybody

I will miss holding my paddle and going down to the boat

I will miss carrying the stupid boat

I will miss dreading sprints

I will miss Sir and him teaching me, scolding me, nagging me, talking to me, simply miss him

I will miss my two coxwains who's seen me through my most powerful and most chwee strokes, who's never failed to try to motivate and contribute

I will miss going for races and racing

I will miss NUS and its treacherous contours

I will miss the SRC squash court area that now holds my favourite gym

I will miss being part of a team that has never let me down

I will miss all 24 of my juniors, my seniors and my batchmates

I will miss how each stroke feels rowing with teamNUS (a feeling I fear I will never get ever again)

All these I will miss and I am missing,I will miss all of that and more.

teamNUS ladies dragonboat, I miss you.

You know what? after almost 2 years, I still miss them, I still feel the same emotions and tears in my eyes when i look at the videos of our races, or pics of our training camps and races. We've taken the longest road.. My batch, and my juniors. But the Longest of all.. my batch. From falling to nothing, to picking ourselves up, to failing to meet other people's expectations almost at the end, to finishing it off with a blast.

In my 3rd and last year,

I finally got my 1st IVP GOLD

1st international race GOLD

1st opens medal

1st PM cup GOLD

and with that,

I witnessed it together with MIXED IVP GOLD

MENs IVP GOLD

MENs OPENS GOLD

MENs PM CUP GOLD.

Its because we lost, and we lost real bad, and we know how hard we trained...
that we know how much we deserved every single second of victory.

The photo finish was the most beautiful race picture of our team.. because it was only (N)US.

I miss rowing.. with you.

&the beauty.